[ROCK MUSIC]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME,
WELCOME, WELCOME
TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR JOINING US.
AND WE BEGIN TONIGHT
WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP,
THE PERSON WHO MOST DESERVES
TO LOOK LIKE THAT.
AND I KNOW, RIGHT NOW, ALL
ANYONE CAN THINK ABOUT IS THE
REPORTED INDICTMENTS COMING FROM
ROBERT MUELLER.
PLEASE LET IT BE JARED.
BUT A LOT HAPPENED THIS WEEK
BEFORE THAT, INCLUDING TRUMP
ADDRESSING AMERICA'S
OPIOID CRISIS, WHICH CLAIMS 140
LIVES EVERY DAY OR, AS ONE
NEWSCASTER PUT IT...
>> GOOD EVENING.
I'M ANTHONY MASON.
AND BY THE TIME THIS BROADCAST
IS OVER, THREE PEOPLE WILL BE
DEAD.
>> John: HOLY SHIT!
THE ONLY THING CREEPIER THAN
THAT IS IF HE SPECIFICALLY
NAMED WHO THOSE PEOPLE ARE.
"THREE PEOPLE WILL BE DEAD:
JASON KOHLER OF WALTHAM,
MASSACHUSETTS; DIANE FORANT
OF SPOKANE, WASHINGTON;
AND YOU."
COMBATING AMERICA'S OPIOID
CRISIS WAS ONE OF TRUMP'S
CENTRAL CAMPAIGN PROMISES.
BUT I HAVE TO SAY, A LOT OF HIS
SOLUTIONS WERE UNDERWHELMING,
INCLUDING ONE OF THE KEY
ANNOUNCEMENTS ON THURSDAY.
>> IT'S REALLY, REALLY EASY
NOT TO TAKE 'EM.
AND I THINK THAT'S GOING
TO END UP BEING OUR MOST
IMPORTANT THING.
REALLY TOUGH, REALLY BIG,
REALLY GREAT ADVERTISING, SO WE
GET TO PEOPLE BEFORE THEY START.
>> John: SO AN AD CAMPAIGN.
SURE, IT'S IMPORTANT
NOT TO START ABUSING OPIOIDS,
BUT THAT DOESN'T HELP THE PEOPLE
WHO ARE ALREADY STRUGGLING
WITH ADDICTION.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE SEEING SOMEONE
NECK DEEP IN QUICKSAND
AND PUTTING UP A
"DON'T DO QUICKSAND" SIGN.
ALSO, THE AD BLITZ STRATEGY
HAS FAMOUSLY BEEN TRIED
AND FAILED
BEFORE WITH NANCY REAGAN'S
"JUST SAY NO" CAMPAIGN.
AND YET, IT STILL SEEMS TO BE
TRUMP'S PREFERRED APPROACH,
GOING BY WHAT HAPPENED AT ONE OF
HIS RALLIES LAST YEAR.
>> DON'T TAKE DRUGS.
OKAY?
RAISE YOUR HAND.
I PROMISE DONALD J. TRUMP THAT I
WILL NEVER TAKE DRUGS.
I DON'T WANT TO SAY NO ALCOHOL,
BUT TAKE IT EASY ON THE ALCOHOL!
>> John: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHY ARE YOU WALKING BACK
THE PLEDGE AS YOU GO?
YOU WOULD BE A TERRIBLE WEDDING
OFFICIANT.
"DO YOU TAKE THIS WOMAN --
I DON'T WANT TO SAY
'FORSAKING ALL OTHERS.'
THERE ARE GOING TO BE OTHERS.
BUT TAKE IT EASY ON THE OTHERS.
AND DON'T LET THEM CALL YOU
AT HOME."
STILL, IT IS GOOD THAT THE
PRESIDENT IS CALLING ATTENTION
TO THE OPIOID CRISIS.
THE PROBLEM IS, ATTENTION IS
PRETTY MUCH ALL HE'S GIVING IT.
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T PUT OUT
A DETAILED STRATEGY,
AND HIS SPLASHIEST STEP --
DECLARING IT
A "PUBLIC HEALTH EMERGENCY" --
DOESN'T ACTUALLY DO VERY MUCH.
>> IT WILL STREAMLINE SOME
ACCESS TO ADDICTION TREATMENT,
BUT PROVIDES FEW NEW RESOURCES.
FINANCING COMES FROM THE PUBLIC
HEALTH EMERGENCY FUND, WHICH HAS
A BALANCE OF JUST OVER $56,000.
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ESTIMATES
THE CRISIS COSTS $75 BILLION
ANNUALLY.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
TRUMP HAS FINALLY CHIMED IN
WITH HIS TWO CENTS ABOUT HOW
TO TACKLE THIS CRISIS, AND IT
INVOLVES ALLOTTING, FOR THE
2.6 MILLION AMERICANS ADDICTED
TO OPIOIDS, LITERALLY
ABOUT TWO CENTS EACH.
SO TRUMP'S FIX FOR OUR OPIOIDS
EPIDEMIC ESSENTIALLY BOILS DOWN
TO, "HERE'S TWO PENNIES.
GO THROW THEM IN A MALL FOUNTAIN
AND WISH YOUR ADDICTION AWAY."
BUT FOR NOW, LET'S TURN TO
ALABAMA, THE SOUTH'S
"THE SOUTH."
ON DECEMBER 12TH, THEY'RE
HOLDING A SPECIAL ELECTION
FOR THE SENATE SEAT LEFT OPEN BY
CURRENT ATTORNEY GENERAL
JEFF SESSIONS, A POSITION
I ASSUME HE WILL BE LEAVING
ANY DAY NOW FOR HIS REGULAR
HOLIDAY JOB.
THIS SPECIAL ELECTION HAS GOTTEN
A LOT OF BUZZ, BECAUSE
THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE
AND FRONTRUNNER IS FORMER
ALABAMA SUPREME COURT CHIEF
JUSTICE ROY MOORE.
AND HE IS A LOT.
>> HE'S CALLED AMERICAN INDIANS
"REDS" AND ASIAN AMERICANS
"YELLOWS."
HE'S CALLED ISLAM
A FALSE RELIGION.
HE'S SAID HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVITY
SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.
HE REPORTEDLY SAID IN FEBRUARY
THAT THE 9/11 ATTACKS MIGHT HAVE
BEEN PUNISHMENT FOR AMERICA'S
TURNING AWAY FROM GOD.
AND ON MONDAY, HE CAUSED A STIR
BY WAVING A GUN...
>> I BELIEVE IN THE SECOND
AMENDMENT.
>> DURING A CAMPAIGN RALLY.
>> John: OH, AND THAT'S NOT ALL.
HE PERSONALLY KICKED A PANDA
IN THE BALLS AND ONCE CALLED
TOM HANKS THE N-WORD.
AND JUST IN CASE YOU THOUGHT
HE COULDN'T GET WORSE,
MOORE IS ALSO AN ASPIRING POET.
JUST LISTEN TO HIM RECITE A POEM
HE CALLS "AMERICA
THE BEAUTIFUL."
>> AMERICA, THE BEAUTIFUL,
OR SO YOU USED TO BE.
LAND OF THE PILGRIMS' PRIDE.
I'M GLAD THEY'RE NOT HERE
TO SEE.
BABIES PILED IN DUMPSTERS,
ABORTION ON DEMAND.
OH, SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY,
YOUR HOUSE IS ON THE SAND.
>> John: OKAY, LOOK.
I DON'T SUPPORT EVERYTHING
ROY MOORE SAYS, BUT I THINK WE
CAN ALL AGREE:
THAT IS OBJECTIVELY GOOD POETRY.
I WOULD GO SO FAR AS TO SAY
THAT'S THE BEST USE OF DUMPSTER
BABY IMAGERY SINCE
ROBERT FROST'S FAMOUS "STOPPING
BY A DUMPSTER FULL OF BABIES
ON A SNOWY EVENING."
"WHOSE BABIES THESE ARE,
I THINK I KNOW.
HIS BABIES ARE IN THE DUMPSTER,
THOUGH.
HE WILL NOT SEE ME STOPPING
HERE, TO SAY
'HOLY SHIT, THIS DUMPSTER
IS FULL OF BABIES.'"
AND SPEAKING OF POETIC,
LISTEN TO ROY MOORE'S FEELINGS
ON HOMOSEXUALITY.
BECAUSE AS BAD AS YOU ASSUME
THEY ARE, THEY'RE ACTUALLY
WORSE.
HE FAVORS CRIMINALIZING SODOMY,
AND IF YOU ASK HIM ABOUT THAT,
THINGS GET WEIRD FAST.
>> SODOMY IS AGAINST THE LAWS OF
NATURE.
OKAY, LET'S TAKE ANOTHER ONE.
IS THERE A RIGHT IN THE
CONSTITUTION FOR BESTIALITY?
>> LOOK, YOU'RE ASKING...
>> THERE IS NO RIGHT IN THE
CONSTITUTION TO COMMIT
BESTIALITY.
THERE'S NOTHING THAT SAYS A MAN
CAN HAVE SEX WITH A DONKEY
OR A WOMAN CAN HAVE SEX
WITH A DONKEY, RIGHT?
IT'S NOT IN THERE.
>> John: OKAY, SAY WHAT YOU WILL
ABOUT ROY MOORE, HE'S A MAN
WHO BELIEVES THAT A WOMAN CAN
FUCK A DONKEY EVERY BIT AS WELL
AS A MAN.
AND THAT'S SOMETHING.
#TapThatAss.
#Feminism.
MOORE HAS ALSO STOKED FEAR
OF MUSLIMS, EVEN ONCE SUGGESTING
THAT KEITH ELLISON'S FAITH
SHOULD PREVENT HIM FROM SERVING
IN CONGRESS.
NOW LUCKILY, DUE TO EVERYTHING
YOU'VE SEEN, REPUBLICANS IN BOTH
THE HOUSE AND THE SENATE HAVE
ROUNDLY CONDEMNED MOORE AND HIS
VIEWS AND HAVE EVEN GONE SO FAR
AS TO --
I'M OBVIOUSLY KIDDING!
HE JUST ENTERED INTO
A FUNDRAISING AGREEMENT WITH THE
RNC AND MULTIPLE REPUBLICAN
SENATORS ARE ACTIVELY
FUNDRAISING ON HIS BEHALF.
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING
WHY THEY'D DO THAT, I'LL LET
TEXAS SENATOR JOHN CORNYN
EXPLAIN.
>> John: BUT THAT KIND OF BLIND
LOYALTY MEANS THERE'S NOBODY
YOU WOULD NOT SUPPORT.
IF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY
NOMINATED A SWARM OF
SMALLPOX-INFECTED BEES,
PRESUMABLY JOHN CORNYN WOULD
SAY, "LOOK, WE DISAGREE ON A LOT
OF THINGS, BUT SENATOR, ALL
THOSE BEES IS A RELIABLE VOTE
ON TAX CUTS.
I SUPPORT THE NOMINEE
OF MY PARTY."
AND EVEN THE REPUBLICAN SENATORS
WHO AREN'T PUBLICLY SUPPORTING
MOORE ARE HARDLY CONDEMNING HIM.
HERE ARE A FEW OF THEIR
REACTIONS AFTER BEING ASKED
TO COMMENT ON HIS CAMPAIGN.
>> SENATOR DEAN HELLER
OF NEVADA, "WHO WON?
I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION.
I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT TAXES."
SENATOR ROB PORTMAN OF OHIO,
"HE'S GOING TO BE FOR TAX
REFORM, I THINK.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW HIM."
SENATOR TIM SCOTT OF
SOUTH CAROLINA, "I'M NOT GOING
TO COMMENT ABOUT ANYTHING I
HAVEN'T READ ABOUT.
I LITERALLY HAVE NOT FOLLOWED
THAT RACE."
>> John: "I HAVEN'T FOLLOWED
THAT ONE"?
COME ON.
THIS IS YOUR OWN PARTY'S SENATE
CANDIDATE, NOT "RAY DONOVAN."
"I HAVEN'T BEEN FOLLOWING
THAT ONE.
WHAT IS HIS CHARACTER?
THE POSTER GIVES ME NOTHING!
IS HE AN ASSASSIN?
A SOMMELIER?
AN UNCLE SHOWING UP DRUNK
AT A CHRISTENING?
IS HE A MEMBER OF THE WAHLBERG
FAMILY?
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW."
AND IF ANY OF THAT HAS MADE YOU
FEEL SAD ABOUT THE STATE OF OUR
DEMOCRACY, SPARE A THOUGHT
FOR AUSTRALIA,
NOT IN FACT THE BIRTHPLACE
OF OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE BUT YET
VERY MUCH THE OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE
OF COUNTRIES.
AUSTRALIA IS CURRENTLY IN THE
MIDST OF A MAJOR VOTE
OF ITS OWN.
>> AT THE MOMENT, 16 MILLION
AUSTRALIANS ARE BEING ASKED
TO VOTE IN A POSTAL SURVEY
ON SAME SEX MARRIAGE.
>> John: IT'S TRUE,
THE AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT IS
CONDUCTING A POSTAL SURVEY ON
WHETHER SAME-SEX MARRIAGE SHOULD
BE LEGAL, WHICH IS AN ODD THING
TO DO.
BECAUSE POLLS ALREADY EXIST
SHOWING AROUND TWO-THIRDS
OF AUSTRALIANS SUPPORT IT.
SO PARLIAMENT COULD SIMPLY
PASS IT INTO LAW.
BUT INSTEAD,
THEY'RE INEXPLICABLY HOLDING
A NON-LEGALLY BINDING, VOLUNTARY
POSTAL VOTE AT A PUBLIC COST
OF $120 MILLION, WHICH IS THE
WEIRDEST WASTE OF AUSTRALIAN
MONEY SINCE EVERY
BAZ LUHRMAN MOVIE EVER MADE.
THE BALLOTS ARE DUE BY
NOVEMBER 7TH, AND THE CAMPAIGN
HAS BEEN TRULY TOXIC,
WITH MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT
DELIVERING RIDICULOUS ARGUMENTS
AGAINST MARRIAGE EQUALITY
LIKE THIS.
>> THERE ARE ALL SORTS OF
AFFECTIONATE RELATIONSHIPS.
I HAVE AN AFFECTIONATE
RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, SAM.
>> WE'RE NOT MARRIED.
>> NO, THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE NOT MARRIED.
>> YOU HAVE A VERY LOVELY WIFE.
>> I HAVE AN AFFECTIONATE
RELATIONSHIP WITH MY CYCLING
MATES, WHO WE GO CYCLING
ON THE WEEKENDS,
BUT THAT'S NOT MARRIAGE.
>> John: "I MEAN, WE DO FUCK.
WE FINISH CYCLING AND WE SLOWLY
PEEL OUR CYCLING CLOTHES OFF
BY THE SIDE OF A BUCOLIC COUNTRY
ROAD AND WE FUCK.
BUT THAT'S NOT MARRIAGE.
THAT'S FUCKING
YOUR CYCLING MATES."
THAT'S DIFFERENT.
YOUR CYCLING MATES.
USE CYCLE.
YOU FUCK.
THAT'S NOT MARRIAGE.
AND HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE
HUNG UP ON SEMANTICS.
ONE ACTIVIST SEEMED UNUSUALLY
OBSESSED WITH TERMINOLOGY.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IF I MAY STILL USE THAT TERM
IN THESE GENDER-FLUID TIMES.
I SPEAK FOR MARRIAGE.
>> SPEAKING AGAINST SAME-SEX
MARRIAGE IS SOPHIE YORK FROM THE
LOBBY GROUP MARRIAGE ALLIANCE,
WHICH SAYS UNIONS OF SAME-SEX
COUPLES SHOULDN'T EVEN BE
CALLED MARRIAGE.
>> I THINK THAT THE IDEA OF
HAVING A DIFFERENT WORD HAS BEEN
FLOATED, AND I'M SURE IT STILL
WILL BE AND SOMEONE ELSE PUT
FORTH THE WORD "GARRIAGE"
AS A -- AS A POSSIBILITY.
>> John: "GARRIAGE."
THAT IS A STUPID WORD,
EXCEPT IN THE RARE CASE OF
A WEDDING BETWEEN TWO MEN
NAMED GARY, IN WHICH CASE, YES,
OBVIOUSLY, THEY SHOULD BE
GETTING GARRIED.
AND LOOK, AS STUPID AS THAT IS,
IT'S THE SORT OF ARGUMENT
YOU'D EXPECT.
BUT THE "NO" CAMPAIGN HAS ALSO
HAD SOME SURPRISING MEMBERS,
LIKE THIS COUPLE.
>> I USED TO BE A SUPPORTER
OF SAME-SEX MARRIAGE.
I MEAN, I PROPOSED TO BEN
FIVE YEARS AGO.
>> I JUST EXPLAINED TO HIM.
I SAID, "I DON'T THINK
IT'S MY CUP OF TEA."
>> EVEN IF SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IS
LEGALIZED, MARK AND BEN WON'T BE
WALKING DOWN THE AISLE.
>> IF IT'S YES, WE'LL BE LIKE,
OKAY, THEN.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
EVERYONE CAN GET MARRIED.
BUT WE PERSONALLY WILL NOT BE
GETTING MARRIED.
WE'LL STAND BY OUR COMMITMENT
TO EACH OTHER.
WE DON'T NEED MARRIAGE
IN OUR LIVES.
DEFINITELY NOT.
>> John: WHOA.
TWO THINGS.
BEN?
YOU ARE COLD BLOODED!
AND MARK, YOU CAN DO SO MUCH
BETTER THAN HIM.
YOU DESERVE SOMEONE AS COMMITTED
TO YOU AS YOU ARE TO THEM.
YOU LISTEN TO ME, MARK.
YOU LISTEN TO ME.
THIS RELATIONSHIP IS GOING
NOWHERE.
DON'T STAY TOGETHER
FOR THE DOG.
HE KNOWS YOU'RE UNHAPPY TOO!
YOU RESPECT YOURSELF, MARK.
AND YOU LEAVE.
GET YOURSELF ON AUSTRALIAN
GRINDR AND YOU SWIPE IN,
I'M PRESUMING, THE OPPOSITE
DIRECTION THAN WE DO.
IN FACT, THIS WHOLE DEBATE GOT
SO HEATED OVER THE PAST FEW
MONTHS, IT EVEN SPILLED OVER
INTO AUSTRALIAN RUGBY'S VERSION
OF THE SUPER BOWL.
>> AN ONLINE PETITION IS CALLING
ON THE LEAGUE TO STOP AMERICAN
RAPPER MACKLEMORE FROM
PERFORMING HIS GAY RIGHTS SONG
"SAME LOVE" AS PART OF SUNDAY'S
GRAND FINAL ENTERTAINMENT.
>> John: OKAY, THAT IS PUTTING
ME IN A TOUGH POSITION.
BECAUSE I SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE,
BUT I REFUSE TO EVER SAY,
"LET MACKLEMORE PERFORM!"
HIS MUSIC BELONGS IN ONE PLACE
AND ONE PLACE ONLY, AND THAT'S
THE PANDORA STATION
"NOW THAT IS WHAT YOUR MOM CALLS
RAP MUSIC."
ALSO, LET'S NOT PRETEND THAT
AUSTRALIA HAS RELENTLESSLY HIGH
STANDARDS OF WHO PERFORMS
AT THEIR SPORTING EVENTS.
NOT AFTER THIS MEMORABLE
PERFORMANCE AT THE 2011
AFL GRAND FINAL.
>> ♪ WELL, I WON'T DO ♪
♪ ANYTHING FOR LOVE! ♪
♪ OH, I WOULD DO ANYTHING ♪
♪ FOR LOVE! ♪
♪ OH, I WOULD DO ANYTHING ♪
♪ FOR LOVE ♪
♪ BUT I WON'T! ♪
♪ DO ♪
♪ THAT ♪
♪ NO, I WON'T DO THAT ♪
>> John: STEP ASIDE,
BUDDY HOLLY, RICHIE VALENS,
AND THE BIG BOPPER.
THERE'S A NEW "DAY THE MUSIC
DIED" IN TOWN.
AND FIGHTING THE DEBATE WITH
WORDS AND SONGS IS ONE THING.
BUT IN SOME CASES IT'S ACTUALLY
GOT PHYSICAL.
THE PRO-GAY MARRIAGE
HEAD OF QANTAS GOT PIED
IN THE FACE, WHILE THE ANTI-GAY
MARRIAGE FORMER PRIME MINISTER
TONY ABBOTT, A MAN WHOSE SMILE
SAYS, "SMELL THAT?
I JUST CUT ONE" --
HE HAD AN UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT
WHEN HE WAS WALKING DOWN THE
STREET.
>> A GENTLEMAN SANG OUT
"HEY, TONY."
I TURNED AROUND.
HE SAID, "I WANT TO SHAKE
YOUR HAND."
I SAW HIM COMING TOWARDS ME.
I HELD OUT MY HAND.
HE GRABBED MY HAND.
AND IT TURNED INTO A HEAD-BUTT.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
TONY ABBOTT WAS HEAD-BUTTED BY
THIS MAN, A TASMANIAN ANARCHIST
WHO GOES BY THE NAMES
"ASTRO LABE," AND, EVEN BETTER,
"DJ FUNKNUKL."
ALTHOUGH IT TURNS OUT THAT
ACCORDING TO DJ FUNKNUKL
THE ATTACK ACTUALLY WAS NOT
CONNECTED WITH THE GAY MARRIAGE
ISSUE AT ALL.
>> HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO
WITH MARRIAGE EQUALITY.
THAT WAS JUST COINCIDENTAL THAT
SOMEONE HAD STUCK A STICKER
ON MY JACKET.
I WAS THINKING,
"THERE'S TONY ABBOTT.
I'M GOING TO HEAD-BUTT HIM."
>> John: SO HERE'S THE IMPORTANT
THING.
I AM IN NO WAY
CONDONING TONY ABBOTT
BEING ATTACKED.
WHAT I WILL SAY IS, THINKING
TO YOURSELF,
"THERE'S TONY ABBOTT.
I'M GOING TO HEAD-BUTT HIM,"
IS ENTIRELY NATURAL.
IT'S AN AUTOMATIC HUMAN
RESPONSE, LIKE "THERE'S A PUPPY.
I'M GOING TO PET IT."
OR "THERE'S SEAN PENN.
I'M NOT GOING TO SEE
THAT MOVIE."
SO THIS HAS BEEN A DISPIRITING,
ULTIMATELY POINTLESS PROCESS,
AND I THINK THERE
ARE ONLY TWO GOOD THINGS
THAT COULD COME OUT OF IT.
ONE IS IF AUSTRALIA'S PARLIAMENT
LEGALIZES GAY MARRIAGE
AT THE EARLIEST OPPORTUNITY.
AND TWO, THAT MARK HEEDS MY
WORDS, PUTS HIMSELF OUT THERE,
AND MEETS SOMEONE WHO DESERVES
HIM.
BECAUSE, MARK, YOU CAN FIND
SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING
FOR LOVE, INCLUDING THAT.
AND NOW THIS.
>> ♪ AMERICA, GOD SHED HIS
GRACE ON THEE ♪
♪ FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA ♪
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
FLOODS.
THEY'RE CLEARLY CATASTROPHIC,
TRAUMATIC EVENTS.
ALTHOUGH THEY HAVE ALSO BEEN
RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE OF THE MOST
MEMORABLE CLIPS IN THE HISTORY
OF BROADCAST NEWS.
>> GOOD MORNING.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY WE'RE GETTING
A NICE BREAK FROM THE RAIN,
BUT NOT THE FLOODING.
THIS ESSENTIALLY NOW A PART OF
THE PASSAIC RIVER IN THIS
NEIGHBORHOOD.
>> John: THAT'S IT,
FUCK JAMES CAMERON.
AND FUCK "TITANIC."
BECAUSE THAT IS NOW OFFICIALLY
THE GREATEST BOAT DISASTER
EVER CAPTURED ON FILM.
IT'S OVER.
FLOODS WERE EVERYWHERE
THIS SUMMER.
THINK OF THEM AS THE "DESPACITO"
OF NATURAL DISASTERS:
PERSISTENT, UBIQUITOUS,
AND ABSOLUTELY NO FAULT OF THE
PUERTO RICAN GOVERNMENT.
AND FLOODS ARE ALWAYS
THREATENING.
90% OF ALL NATURAL DISASTERS
IN THE U.S. INVOLVE A FLOOD,
WHICH IS, I ASSUME, THE REASON
FEMA'S WEBSITE ONCE REFERRED
TO FLOODING AS "AMERICA'S
NUMBER ONE NATURAL HAZARD!"
WHICH IS A PRETTY WEIRD TONE
TO TAKE WHEN DESCRIBING
SOMETHING HORRIBLE.
IT'S LIKE SAYING,
"BOILS: AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE
STAPH INFECTION!"
OR "PARKS: AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE
PLACE TO DIE UNNOTICED!"
AND FLOODS ARE ONLY GOING TO GET
WORSE DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE.
AND I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE
WHO'LL DISPUTE THAT, AND WE JUST
DON'T HAVE TIME TO LITIGATE
WHETHER EXTREME WEATHER EVENTS
ARE EXACERBATED BY CLIMATE
CHANGE, SO FOR NOW,
LET'S JUST SAY, YEAH,
THEY DEFINITELY ARE.
I MEAN, SURE, IT'S A COMPLICATED
ISSUE, AND WE MIGHT NOT HAVE
DEFINITIVE PROOF UNTIL THE LATE
1980s.
BUT WHILE FLOODS ARE OFTEN
REFERRED TO AS NATURAL
DISASTERS, THE TRUTH IS,
THE DAMAGE THEY DO IS OFTEN,
TO SOME EXTENT, WITHIN OUR
CONTROL BECAUSE WE HAVE MADE
CERTAIN DECISIONS THAT PUT
AND KEEP PEOPLE AND PROPERTY
IN THE PATH OF FLOODING.
AND THAT IS WHAT THIS STORY
IS ABOUT.
AND BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,
LET'S ACKNOWLEDGE THAT PEOPLE
LIVE NEAR WATER FOR ALL SORTS
OF REASONS.
FOR SOME, IT'S WHERE THEIR
FAMILIES HAVE LIVED FOR
GENERATIONS OR A NECESSITY
FOR THE WORK THAT THEY DO.
FOR OTHERS, IT'S A LUXURY,
AND LIVING NEXT TO THE WATER IS
UNDOUBTEDLY ATTRACTIVE, DESPITE
RISKS LIKE FLOODING
OR STEPPING ON POINTY SEASHELLS
OR MISTAKENLY GIVING A TOSTITO
TO A SEAGULL WITHOUT REALIZING
THAT MEANS YOU'LL NOW SPEND
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE HAUNTED BY
A TOSTITO-ADDICTED SEAGULL.
THE POINT IS, WHATEVER THE
REASON TO LIVE BY THE WATER,
MANY DO IT, AND ARE --
FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
I DON'T HAVE ANY TOSTITOS!
I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU THAT
FOR SIX YEARS.
LOOK, NO TOSTITOS!
GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU FLYING BEACH RAT!
SORRY.
THE POINT IS, THE DANGERS OF
WATERFRONT LIVING ARE REAL.
BUT MANY PEOPLE, LIKE THIS MAN
WHO LIVES ON THE WATER
IN TAMPA BAY, FEEL THE BENEFITS
OUTWEIGH THE RISKS.
>> MARK KNOWS THAT LIFE HERE
IS TENUOUS.
BUT HE DOESN'T DWELL ON IT.
>> EVERY MORNING WHEN I WALK OUT
TO GET THE PAPER, I SEE DOLPHINS
FROLICKING IN THE BAYOU
AND ROSEATE SPOONBILLS WALKING
AROUND THE EDGE OF THE BAYOU,
SO TENDS TO MAKE YOU FORGET
ABOUT ALL THOSE SORTS OF THINGS.
>> John: SURE, I CAN IMAGINE
SEEING A ROSEATE SPOONBILL
WOULD TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THINGS,
BECAUSE YOU'RE SPENDING YOUR
WHOLE DAY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
HOW A FLAMINGO COULD HAVE GOTTEN
ITS STUPID BIRD FACE STUCK
INTO A PANINI PRESS.
I'M JUST SAYING EVEN PEOPLE WHO
LIKE BIRDS DON'T LIKE THIS BIRD.
THE AUDUBON SOCIETY,
AN ORGANIZATION WHOSE ENTIRE
PURPOSE IS TO CHAMPION BIRDS,
SAYS THEY'RE "GORGEOUS
AT A DISTANCE AND BIZARRE
UP CLOSE."
WHICH IS LIKE THE AMERICAN
KENNEL CLUB SAYING,
"WE CELEBRATE ALL DOGS AND HONOR
THEM AS MAN'S BEST FRIEND,
BUT THE DANDIE DINMONT HAS A
TRASH PERSONALITY AND LOOKS LIKE
A SCOTTIE FUCKED PHIL SPECTOR."
AND LOOK, IF YOU'RE LITERALLY
OVERLOOKING A BAYOU, LIKE THAT
GUY, YOU'RE PROBABLY AWARE
THAT FLOODING IS A RISK.
BUT NOT EVERY FLOOD-PRONE AREA
IS DIRECTLY ALONG THE COAST.
AND SOMETIMES, AGGRESSIVE
DEVELOPMENT CAN EXACERBATE
THE RISK OF FLOODING,
EVEN CONSIDERABLY INLAND.
JUST LOOK AT HOUSTON, WHICH WAS
RECENTLY ROCKED BY HARVEY.
>> THE METRO AREA'S DEVELOPMENT
HAS EXPLODED.
ONE STUDY FOUND THE HOUSTON AREA
HAS ADDED 25% MORE PAVEMENT OVER
15 YEARS, REPLACING SOIL-RICH
WETLANDS THAT COULD ABSORB WATER
WITH CONCRETE-COVERED SUBURBIA.
>> John: EXACTLY, AND THAT MADE
HARVEY'S DAMAGE SIGNIFICANTLY
WORSE.
CONCRETE ISN'T GOOD
AT ABSORBING WATER.
THAT'S WHY PEOPLE DON'T DRY OFF
AT THE BEACH BY ROLLING AROUND
IN THE PARKING LOT.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST GLOBAL WARMING
OR UNCHECKED GROWTH THAT HAVE
PUT MORE PEOPLE IN RISKY,
FLOOD PRONE AREAS.
IT'S ALSO THE FACT THAT IT'S
FREQUENTLY ONLY POSSIBLE FOR
PEOPLE TO TAKE THAT RISK BECAUSE
THEY HAVE FLOOD INSURANCE.
JUST LOOK AT "BUYING THE BEACH,"
A "HOUSE HUNTERS" TYPE SHOW
FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO LIVE
NEAR THE WATER.
ONE EPISODE FEATURED
TWO BROTHERS NAMED MITCH
AND DANIEL ARGUING OVER
A PARTICULAR BEACH HOUSE,
LEADING TO THIS EXCHANGE.
>> WHAT'D YOU THINK ABOUT
THE ISLAND HOUSE, MITCH?
>> WELL, I THINK THERE WAS A LOT
OF GOOD AND A LOT OF BAD ON IT.
RIGHT OFF THOSE STEPS
INTO THE BEACH.
CAN'T BE BEAT.
>> REALLY CLOSE TO THE WATER.
THAT'S JUST ANOTHER THING
THAT'S GOT ME CONCERNED.
>> WELL, THAT'S WHAT INSURANCE
IS FOR.
>> John: "THAT'S WHAT INSURANCE
IS FOR."
THAT MAY BE THE MOST RECKLESS
STATEMENT EVER SAID ON A BOAT.
AND I AM VERY MUCH INCLUDING,
"I CAN DEFINITELY MAKE THIS SHOT
WORK," AND "HEY, LET'S FEED
THESE GULLS SOME TOSTITOS!"
I DON'T HAVE ANY!
ALL I DID WAS SAY THE WORD!
GET OUT OF HERE!
NO TOSTITOS!
BUT MITCH --
NO TOSTITOS!
BUT MITCH ISN'T WRONG THAT,
IF THEY BOUGHT THAT HOUSE,
THEY COULD GET FLOOD INSURANCE,
AND SURPRISINGLY CHEAPLY.
AND IT'S WORTH TAKING SOME TIME
TO UNDERSTAND WHY
THAT'S THE CASE.
BECAUSE UNLIKE OTHER FORMS OF
HOMEOWNER'S INSURANCE,
FLOOD PROTECTION IS ACTUALLY
UNDERWRITTEN BY THE GOVERNMENT
THROUGH THE NFIP, OR NATIONAL
FLOOD INSURANCE PROGRAM.
IT STARTED NEARLY 50 YEARS AGO,
AFTER HISTORIC FLOODS WIPED OUT
MANY PEOPLE'S HOMES
IN THE 1960s.
AND THE GOVERNMENT THEN REALIZED
THERE WAS A REAL PROBLEM.
INSURANCE COMPANIES WOULDN'T
COVER FLOODS AT AN AFFORDABLE
COST BECAUSE IT WAS TOO RISKY.
BECAUSE OF THAT,
THE GOVERNMENT WAS SPENDING WAY
TOO MUCH ON DISASTER RELIEF.
SO THEY STEPPED IN AND CREATED
THE NFIP, WHICH OFFERED
SIGNIFICANTLY DISCOUNTED
INSURANCE TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE
TO BUY IT.
AND THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
BUT CRUCIALLY, THE AIM AT THE
TIME WAS NOT THAT PEOPLE WOULD
BE STAYING IN AT-RISK HOMES
PERMANENTLY, AS THE PROGRAM'S
CURRENT ADMINISTRATOR EXPLAINS.
>> THEY PRESUMED THAT IF WE TOLD
PEOPLE THEY WERE AT RISK,
THEY WOULD MOVE.
THEY PRESUMED THAT OVER THE LIFE
OF THE PROGRAM, THOSE DISCOUNTS
WOULDN'T NEED TO BE CONTINUED,
AND THEY PRESUMED IT WOULDN'T
NEED TO BE CONTINUED BECAUSE
ONCE PEOPLE KNEW THEY HAD THE
RISK THEY WOULD MOVE OUT.
THAT HAS NOT PROVEN TRUE.
>> John: NO, BUT OF COURSE
IT HASN'T.
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT HOW PEOPLE
WORK.
WE'LL GLADLY ACCEPT HUGE RISKS
TO OUR PERSONAL SAFETY FOR THE
SAKE OF A DISCOUNT.
THAT WAS THE ENTIRE PREMISE
BEHIND THE McDONALD'S
DOLLAR MENU.
AND THAT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY
FLAWS WITH HOW THIS
WELL-INTENTIONED PROGRAM
WAS DESIGNED.
BECAUSE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT
FROM WHO PARTICIPATES
TO WHERE THE MONEY GOES
TO THE INCENTIVES IT CREATES
NEEDS FIXING.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
THAT ELIGIBILITY FOR THE PROGRAM
IS DETERMINED THROUGH FLOODPLAIN
MAPS.
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO BUY
FLOOD INSURANCE IF YOU HAVE
A FEDERALLY BACKED MORTGAGE
AND FEMA'S MAPS SHOW YOU LIVE IN
A RISKY AREA.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE MANDATE HAS
BEEN POORLY ENFORCED, MEANING
LOTS OF PEOPLE DON'T BUY
INSURANCE WHO SHOULD.
AND THE MAPS THEMSELVES CAN BE
BOTH OUT OF DATE AND WILDLY
INACCURATE.
IN FACT, JUST DAYS BEFORE HARVEY
STRUCK, A STUDY OF HOUSTON-AREA
FLOOD MAPS WAS PUBLISHED,
AND THE RESULTS WERE ALARMING.
>> OVER THE COURSE OF A DECADE,
RESEARCHERS AT RICE UNIVERSITY
AND TEXAS A&M GALVESTON
STUDIED ONE SECTION OF SOUTHEAST
HARRIS COUNTY.
THEY FOUND FEMA'S FLOOD PLAIN
MAPS MISSED ABOUT 75%
OF THE DAMAGES FROM THE STORMS.
>> John: 75%.
AT THAT POINT, YOU MIGHT AS WELL
PREDICT FLOODS BY HAVING
BLINDFOLDED 6-YEAR-OLDS
PIN LITTLE CARDBOARD PUDDLES
ONTO CITY MAPS AT BIRTHDAY
PARTIES.
BUT EVEN IF ALL THE MAPS WERE
PERFECT, THERE'D BE ANOTHER FLAW
WITH THE NFIP, WHICH IS HOW
IT'S ADMINISTERED.
YOU SEE, TYPICALLY,
THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T DIRECTLY
INSURE YOU.
INSTEAD, IT PAYS PRIVATE
INSURANCE COMPANIES A FEE
FOR EVERY POLICY THEY SELL.
BUT NOT JUST THAT.
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS THEN
RESPONSIBLE FOR COVERING
ANY LOSSES, WHICH IS A PRETTY
FUCKING SWEET DEAL.
THE COMPANIES TAKE NONE OF
THE RISK, AND YET
GET ALL THE REWARDS.
BUT IT GETS WORSE.
BECAUSE THEY ALSO GET PAID
FOR EACH CLAIM THEY HANDLE.
AND WHEN "FRONTLINE" CRUNCHED
SOME OF THE NUMBERS AND
PRESENTED THEM TO A FORMER HEAD
OF THE PROGRAM, THEY FOUND
SOMETHING SHOCKING.
>> THERE WAS ONE NUMBER
THAT REALLY JUMPED OUT.
WITH ALL THE CLAIMS IN THE WAKE
OF SANDY, THE PROFITS WERE MORE
THAN $400 MILLION.
>> BECAUSE THEY'RE HANDLING
A LOT OF CLAIMS THAT YEAR,
AND THEY GET -- MAKE A LOT OF
MONEY WHEN THEY HANDLE CLAIMS.
>> WHEN A BIG STORM HITS, THEN,
THEY MAKE MORE MONEY?
>> YEAH, AT THE VERY TIME YOU
NEED THEM TO MAKE LESS MONEY,
IF ANYTHING, BECAUSE THE BURDEN
IS GOING TO BE BORNE BY THE
TAXPAYERS, THEY MAKE A KILLING.
>> John: THAT'S TRUE.
FOR INSURANCE COMPANIES,
THE BIGGER THE DISASTER,
THE MORE THEY STAND TO PROFIT.
IT'S A BUSINESS MODEL
NOT USUALLY SEEN OUTSIDE OF
NICOLAS CAGE'S CAREER.
AND WHILE THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY
MAY DISPUTE EXACTLY HOW MUCH
PROFIT THEY MAKE, THE FACT
REMAINS THAT THE GOVERNMENT
AND THE TAXPAYER
ARE DEFINITELY THE ONES
EATING THE LOSSES.
WHICH IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY,
EVEN BEFORE THESE LATEST
HURRICANES, THE PROGRAM WAS
$25 BILLION IN DEBT.
AND THERE AREN'T ENOUGH
ROSEATE SPOONBILLS IN THE WORLD
TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF
THAT SORT OF THING.
AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, THERE ARE
EXACTLY ENOUGH ROSEATE
SPOONBILLS IN THE WORLD.
I'M JUST SAYING DO WE ALL REALLY
NEED MORE OF THIS?
"HEY, KIDS, COME SEE!
THE DIRTY PINK DINOSAUR
IS NOISILY DEVOURING ITS YOUNG!"
AND LOOK, THERE IS A GOOD
ARGUMENT TO MAKE THAT HELPING
PEOPLE STAY IN THEIR HOMES AFTER
A DISASTER IS WHAT GOVERNMENT
IS FOR.
BUT REMEMBER, A BIG CHUNK OF
THAT MONEY IS JUST GOING TO THE
INSURANCE COMPANIES.
AND ANOTHER, SHOCKINGLY BIG,
CHUNK OF THAT MONEY GOES TO
VERY FEW HOMES.
FOR INSTANCE, ALONG THE GULF
COAST IN FLORIDA, JUST 1%
OF PROPERTIES COVERED BY
THE NFIP HAVE ACCOUNTED FOR
A QUARTER OF FLOOD CLAIMS.
THESE ARE SO-CALLED "REPETITIVE
LOSS PROPERTIES," HOMES THAT CAN
FLOOD OVER AND OVER AND OVER
AGAIN, GETTING PAYMENTS EACH
TIME.
AND SOME OF THEM
ARE COSTING US A FORTUNE.
>> JUST RECENTLY AN ARTICLE IN
THE WASHINGTON POST HIGHLIGHTED
A HOME IN POINTE COUPEE PARISH
THAT HAS FLOODED 40 TIMES.
WHILE THE HOUSE IS VALUED AT
JUST $56,000, THE NFIP HAS DOLED
OUT NEARLY $430,000
TO COVER FLOOD CLAIMS.
>> John: SO THAT'S JUST
STUPID.
IF NOTHING ELSE, IF YOUR HOUSE
FLOODS 40 TIMES, MOTHER NATURE
IS SENDING YOU A PRETTY CLEAR
MESSAGE, AND THAT'S,
"HEY, WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING?
SOME WEIRD FISH WOULD LIKE
TO FUCK IN HERE NOW."
AND SOME PARTS OF THE COUNTRY
HAVE PARTICULARLY EXTREME
EXAMPLES OF THIS.
REMEMBER MITCH AND DANIEL?
THE PASTEL DEATHTRAP THEY WERE
LOOKING AT IS ON A PLACE CALLED
DAUPHIN ISLAND, WHERE OVER
THE PAST TWO DECADES,
HOMEOWNERS HAVE "PAID JUST
$9.3 MILLION IN PREMIUMS"
IN TO THE NFIP BUT RECEIVED
$72.2 MILLION IN PAYMENTS
FOR THEIR DAMAGED HOMES.
IT'S SO BAD, THE ISLAND GOT
WRITTEN UP BY BLOOMBERG UNDER
THE HEADLINE,
"LOVE OF COASTAL LIVING IS
DRAINING U.S. DISASTER FUNDS."
AND AT FIRST GLANCE, WE THOUGHT,
HOLD ON.
ISN'T THAT THE EXACT SAME
EYESORE ON STILTS THAT MITCH
AND DANIEL ALMOST BOUGHT?
WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS,
IT'S NOT.
THE BAD NEWS IS, IT'S LITERALLY
THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR, AND IT WAS
ALSO FEATURED ON A DIFFERENT
EPISODE OF "BUYING THE BEACH."
>> IT'S RIGHT IN THE WATER.
IT WASN'T CLOSE TO THE BEACH.
IT WAS IN THE OCEAN.
>> THE WAVES ARE JUST
RIGHT HERE.
OOH, IT'S LITERALLY IN OCEAN.
THIS IS INSANE.
>> John: YEAH, IT IS INSANE.
BUT WHAT'S EVEN CRAZIER IS,
AT THE END OF THE EPISODE,
THEY DECIDED TO BUY THAT HOUSE.
BUT EVEN IF YOU WERE ABLE TO
OVERLOOK THE REPETITIVE LOSS
PROPERTIES, WHICH YOU SHOULDN'T,
THERE'S ANOTHER ISSUE.
NEARLY ONE OUT OF EVERY FIVE
HOMES COVERED UNDER THE NFIP
IS ACTUALLY A SECOND HOME.
AND BECAUSE THE PROGRAM ISN'T
MEANS-TESTED, THE BENEFITS
FREQUENTLY GO TO SOME WEALTHY
INDIVIDUALS' VACATION HOMES.
ONE SUCH PROPERTY BELONGED TO
JOHN STOSSEL, FOX NEWS
PERSONALITY AND PARTIALLY
HYDROGENATED TOM SELLECK.
AND I'LL LET STOSSEL,
WHO ANSWERS THE QUESTION,
"WHAT IF FREDDIE MERCURY
HAD QUIT SINGING TO BECOME AN
ASSISTANT FLOOR MANAGER AT MEN'S
WEARHOUSE," TELL YOU ABOUT IT,
BECAUSE EVEN HE KNEW IT WAS
RIDICULOUS.
>> YEARS AGO, I BUILT THIS BEACH
HOUSE.
THAT'S YOUNGER ME THERE.
THE HOUSE WAS ON THE EDGE OF THE
ATLANTIC OCEAN, A RISKY PLACE
TO BUILD, BUT I BUILT ANYWAY,
'CAUSE A FEDERAL PROGRAM
GUARANTEED MY INVESTMENT.
EVENTUALLY A STORM SWEPT AWAY
MY FIRST FLOOR, BUT I DIDN'T
LOSE A PENNY.
THANKS.
I NEVER INVITED YOU THERE, BUT
YOU PAID FOR MY NEW FIRST FLOOR.
>> John: OKAY, NOW HE'S JUST
BAITING PEOPLE.
BECAUSE UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES
DOES ANYONE WANT TO BE FUNDING
THE RECONSTRUCTION OF THE
WORLD'S SMUGGEST MAN'S RICKETY
SEA PRISON.
AND THERE'S LOTS TO BE CONFUSED
ABOUT THERE, NOT LEAST THAT
PHOTO OF STOSSEL, POSING
SHIRTLESS IN SKINTIGHT
WHITE SWIM TRUNKS FROM HUNDREDS
OF FEET AWAY.
WHO TOOK THAT PHOTO?
IT CAN'T BE ANOTHER HUMAN
WHO WANTED IT.
SO HERE'S MY GUESS.
I THINK THAT HE PUT A CAMERA
ON A LONG-DELAY TIMER,
THEN SPRINTED FOR A FULL
45 SECONDS BACK TO THE DECK OF
HIS HOUSE, WHISPERING
"HURRY, HURRY, HURRY" TO HIMSELF
THE ENTIRE TIME, AND GOT IN
POSITION JUST IN TIME
FOR THAT PHOTO TO HAPPEN.
THAT'S THE ONLY SCIENTIFICALLY
POSSIBLE EXPLANATION.
WE DEBATED THIS FOR A WEEK,
AND IT'S THE ONLY SCENARIO
WE COULD ALL AGREE ON.
AND LOOK, HERE'S THE THING.
IF YOU CHOOSE TO BUILD
SOMETHING IN A RISKY PLACE, LIKE
JOHN STOSSEL'S SALT-BATTERED,
BOTTOMS-ONLY BEACH-MISTAKE,
YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY BE ALLOWED
TO DO THAT.
BUT YOU SHOULDN'T EXPECT
THE GOVERNMENT TO REPEATEDLY
HELP YOU REBUILD WHEN THINGS
INEVITABLY GO WRONG.
HOWEVER THE VAST MAJORITY
OF NFIP BENEFICIARIES ARE NOT
WEALTHY OR SECOND HOME OWNERS.
THEY OFTEN REALLY NEED THIS
PROGRAM, AND CAN'T AFFORD FOR IT
TO GO UNDER.
AND FOR THOSE STUCK IN
REPETITIVE LOSS PROPERTIES,
IT'S EASY TO SAY THEY SHOULD
JUST MOVE, BUT IT IS MUCH MORE
DIFFICULT THAN THAT,
AS THIS KENTUCKY WOMAN,
WHOSE HOME HAS FLOODED
REPEATEDLY, WILL TELL YOU.
>> WE COULDN'T SELL OUR HOUSE.
WHO WOULD WANT TO BUY A HOUSE
THAT'S HAD THIS MANY REPETITIVE
FLOODS IN IT?
WHO WOULD WANNA BUY IT?
WE HAVE NEIGHBORS THAT HAVE HAD
THEIR HOUSES UP FOR SALE FOR
TWO, THREE YEARS, THAT HAVEN'T
EVEN HAD ANYONE COME AND VIEW
THE HOUSE.
WE NEED A BUYOUT FROM FEMA
OR FROM WHOEVER IT IS
THAT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.
>> John: RIGHT, AND THE DECISION
TO TRY AND LEAVE COULDN'T HAVE
BEEN EASY.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO THROW
OUT THE BABY WITH THE
FLOODWATER, BUT AT A CERTAIN
POINT, THE RESPONSIBLE THING
TO DO IS GET A BETTER,
MORE WATER-RESISTANT BABY.
WHICH IS, INCIDENTALLY,
ALSO THE TITLE OF BRITAIN'S
BEST-SELLING BOOK ON TEACHING
CHILDREN TO SWIM.
UNFORTUNATELY, OUR BUYOUT
PROGRAMS ARE HUGELY UNDERFUNDED
AND PROHIBITIVELY SLOW.
IT CAN TAKE YEARS FOR BUYOUTS
TO GET APPROVED, BY WHICH POINT,
HOMEOWNERS HAVE PROBABLY HAD
TO REBUILD THEIR HOUSE,
AT THE GOVERNMENT'S EXPENSE,
AND IT MAY HAVE ALREADY FLOODED
AGAIN.
SO, ESSENTIALLY, A GOVERNMENT
PROGRAM THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO
HELP PEOPLE IN FLOODED HOMES
IS SOMETIMES TRAPPING THEM
INSIDE THEM INDEFINITELY.
TRAPPING PEOPLE IN
STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND HOUSES
ISN'T WHAT THE GOVERNMENT
IS FOR.
IT'S WHAT "BUYING THE BEACH"
IS FOR.
LOOK, THERE JUST HAS TO BE
A BETTER WAY.
AND THERE ARE SOME KEY THINGS WE
CAN DO TO IMPROVE THIS PROGRAM.
WE CAN DO THINGS LIKE MEANS-TEST
IT, AND EVENTUALLY GET RID OF
DISCOUNTS FOR SECOND HOMES,
AND GRADUALLY INCREASE INSURANCE
RATES ON SOME PROPERTIES SO THEY
REFLECT ACTUAL RISK.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE LAST TIME
CONGRESS TRIED A MAJOR REFORM
OF THE NFIP,
WITH THE BIGGERT-WATERS ACT OF
2012, THE RESULT WAS THAT MANY
PEOPLE'S RATES SKYROCKETED
OVERNIGHT.
AND POLITICIANS WERE SO SPOOKED
BY ANGRY CONSTITUENTS,
THEY SIGNIFICANTLY SCALED BACK
MANY OF THE REFORMS.
AND I'M NOT SAYING THIS WILL
EVER BE POLITICALLY EASY.
BECAUSE EVEN IF YOU DO PROPERLY
FUND AND STREAMLINE A BUYOUT
SCHEME, THERE ARE GOING TO BE
CASES WHERE PEOPLE JUST WANT
TO STAY PUT.
RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK,
THERE'S A LOW-LYING
COMMUNITY CALLED BROAD CHANNEL
WHERE THE STREETS CAN FLOOD
TWICE A MONTH.
ITS RESIDENTS FOUGHT AGAINST
THOSE RATE INCREASES A FEW YEARS
AGO.
AND MANY OF THEM HAVE
NO INTEREST IN LEAVING.
>> NAH, THE NEIGHBORHOOD
IS TOO GREAT.
LISTEN, MY WHOLE HOUSE
GOT DESTROYED BY SANDY.
AND I REDID MY WHOLE HOUSE.
PEOPLE ARE LIKE, YOU'RE CRAZY,
YOU SHOULD MOVE.
I SAID, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
>> John: BUT YOU'RE STANDING
IN WATER RIGHT NOW.
MAYBE THE PEOPLE TELLING YOU
TO MOVE WERE SAYING,
"AT THE VERY LEAST, CAN YOU MOVE
UP FIVE INCHES TO DRY LAND?"
BUT THE HARD TRUTH HERE IS,
EVEN EXPENSIVE INTERVENTIONS
ARE LIKELY TO ONLY BUY THAT
COMMUNITY A LITTLE MORE TIME,
AND PEOPLE IN BROAD CHANNEL WILL
EVENTUALLY BE LEAVING, WHETHER
IT'S BY MOVING TRUCK OR BY BOAT.
BECAUSE ENVIRONMENTAL CONDITIONS
ARE GOING TO GET WORSE.
HEAVY DOWNPOURS HAVE INCREASED
IN THE LAST 50 YEARS.
AND SEA LEVELS HAVE BEEN
CLIMBING STEADILY.
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT'S
BECAUSE OF CLIMATE CHANGE,
EVEN THOUGH...
>> IT IS!
>> John: IT JUST IS.
PRECISELY.
THE NFIP IS ACTUALLY DUE FOR
REAUTHORIZATION THIS DECEMBER,
AND I'D ARGUE IT'S TIME TO TAKE
ANOTHER SHOT AT SERIOUS,
THOUGHTFUL REFORM.
BECAUSE WITHOUT IT, WE HAVE
AN UNSUSTAINABLE PROGRAM THAT'S
INDIRECTLY HARMING SOME OF THE
PEOPLE THAT IT WAS DESIGNED
TO HELP.
I DON'T HAVE ANY--
>> JOHN, JOHN, RELAX.
I'M NOT HERE FOR TOSTITOS.
>> John: REALLY?
HOLD ON.
YOU CAN TALK?
>> OF COURSE.
SEAGULLS CAN TALK.
WE JUST CHOOSE TO LISTEN
MOST OF THE TIME.
>> John: THAT'S NICE.
>> I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT
FLOODING, AND YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'VE SEEN IT.
I'M A SEAGULL.
SOME PEOPLE IN HIGH-RISK AREAS
WILL NEED TO MOVE.
AND WE SHOULD GIVE THEM HELP
TO DO THAT.
BECAUSE WHILE LEAVING YOUR HOME
IS HARD, BEING FORCED OUT WHEN
IT'S UNINHABITABLE IS TEN TIMES
HARDER.
AND AFTER ALL, YOUR HOME
ISN'T JUST WALLS AND A ROOF.
IT'S WHERE THE PEOPLE
YOU LOVE ARE.
>> John: OH, SEAGULL.
I GOTTA SAY THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY
BEAUTIFUL.
>> YEAH, NOT BAD FOR A FLYING
BEACH RAT, HUH?
>> John: NO, NO, NO.
DON'T TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT
YOURSELF.
>> IT'S OKAY.
I KNOW IT'S TRUE.
YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.
EVERYONE WATCHING KNOWS IT.
I EAT FRENCH FRIES
OUT OF THE GARBAGE.
>> John: YOU MAKE A GOOD POINT.
YOU'RE TRULY DISGUSTING.
BUT I'M TRULY SORRY FOR
MISJUDGING YOUR MOTIVES
IN COMING HERE.
>> THAT'S OKAY, JOHNNY.
JUST ONE MORE THING.
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY TOSTITOS?
>> John: FUCK YOU!
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
>> AND NOW THIS.
>> John: AND NOW THIS.
>> THIS IS THE WAY AMERICA IS
HEADING.
>> NO DOUBT.
I AM NOT AGAINST GAYS.
I AM NOT AGAINST LEARNING ABOUT
GAY PEOPLE.
I'M NOT AGAINST FEMALE
FIREFIGHTERS.
I AM NOT AGAINST FEDERAL
EMPLOYEES.
I'M NOT AGAINST IMMIGRATION.
I'M NOT BASHING IMMIGRANTS.
>> I LIKE IMMIGRANTS.
I LIKE IMMIGRANTS.
I THINK I LIKE EVERY MEXICAN
PERSON I'VE EVER MET.
I LIKE THE COUNTRY.
I AM NOT AGAINST PEOPLE FROM
SOMALIA.
CANADA IS A SWEET COUNTRY.
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE RETARDED
BECAUSE IN A NEW PAT THEM ON THE
HEAD.
I'M NOT ATTACKING OPRAH.
I'M NOT AGAINST GEORGE CLOONEY.
I LIKE MORGAN FREEMAN.
I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST JANE
FONDA.
I AM NOT AGAINST MATTHEW
McCONAUGHEY.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR STORY.
I KNOW I'M AGAINST IT.
BUT I LIKE IT.
>> John: THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT.
TAKE IT EASY.
HAVE THE BAG.
OH, SHIT.